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landofnowhereA year or two ago at Milk and Cookies dr_whom read aloud The Pirate Princess, a fairy tale written by Rabbi Nachman in 1815 with an impressively empowered female protagonist. I was recently reminded of this by discussion elsewhere on DW, and found the wikisource version of the story which calles it The King and the Emperor. I decided I would write a Good Parts retelling of the story, which I am now posting here:
This story is called the Emperor and the King, even though it is really about the Princess the Emperor’s daughter and the Emperor and the King barely appear in the story, because sexism. But let’s start with the Emperor and the King, back when both were having fertility problems with their respective wives. The natural royal response to such a situation is to leave one’s wife and country behind and go off on a quest. By the laws of narrative probability, they met by chance in an inn.
EMPEROR: You seem like a kingly sort of person.
KING: Indeed I am the King! You seem like an emperor-y sort of person. What brings you here?
EMPEROR: Yes, I am the Emperor, wandering the world in search of effective fertility treatments.
KING: I don’t suppose you’ve found any?... Nope, me neither.
You know, in stories, when people promise away their first-born child, then they’re forced to have the first-born child to fulfil the promise. So how about we promise that if one of us has a son, and the other a daughter, then we will marry them off. Then we’re sure to both get kids, and we don’t have to worry about finding them suitable spouses. Win-win situation!
EMPEROR: Sure! What can possibly go wrong?...
Twenty-odd years later:
KING: I keep asking my son, the Prince, why he’s so sick, and he doesn’t give me any useful answers. Sick people are supposed to know why they’re sick, I’m sure if you asked him he would clarify.
SERVANT: I know why! He met this Princess at college, and they fell in love and got engaged, and ever since he’s been exhibiting textbook symptoms of lovesickness.
KING: He could have told me!... How convenient, she’s the daughter of that Emperor I once met in an inn. Let’s write the Emperor so he knows to get the wedding festivities ready!
EMPEROR: Oh, right, I guess I did promise my daughter to the son of that king I met once. However, I’m having second thoughts about this. What if he isn’t any good at governing a country?
When the Prince arrives, the Emperor puts him off by giving him the AP Government exam. The results must not have been very promising, as the Prince and Princess are forced to elope. This goes remarkably poorly: they manage to lose not just each other, but also their engagement ring. The Prince settles down somewhere as a servant, and manages to be entirely useless for the rest of the story.
PRINCESS: I’m lost. Let’s go sit in these fruit trees and eat fruit until somebody comes along.
MERCHANT’S SON: I’m a wealthy merchant’s son sailing in my big ship. Want to come down from that tree?
PRINCESS: Not until you promise me you won’t touch me until you marry me lawfully. Oh, and I won’t tell you who I am until we’re married, either.
MERCHANT’S SON: Sure, random tree lady, let’s get married! I see that you are musical and skilled at languages – I must be the luckiest man! Here, we’ve made it home, let me bring you to meet my family.
PRINCESS: Why don’t you go ahead and give your family a heads up. Oh, and don’t you think we should give the sailors some booze to celebrate?
The sailors get very drunk, disembark, and completely pass out. The Princess unties the ship and sails off with it all by herself.
MERCHANT’S SON (to his angry family): “Believe me! I brought a ship with wares! Ask the sailors!”
(some unspecified amount of time later)
PRINCESS: Oooh shiny, a palace! Let’s go see. Never mind, what would I do with a palace anyway? (starts to turn boat around)
KING BY THE SEA: Oh no you don’t, mysterious woman who can sail a giant ship with no crew! I’m the King by the Sea, and I’ve been having problems finding a wife because nobody likes me back, so how would you like to marry me?
PRINCESS: Sure, but there are going to be some conditions… No touching me or my ship until we’re married, and I want eleven noble handmaidens. Oh, and how about some drunken partying?
The King by the Sea and his court wake up the next morning. Surprise, surprise, the Princess has disappeared with her handmaidens and her ship.
ROYAL MINISTERS: King, we blame you for the disappearance of our daughters. How about we kill you?
KING BY THE SEA: It’s not my faaault…!
ROYAL MINISTERS: Fine, fine, we’ll depose you instead.
HANDMAIDENS: Why are we on a ship? No one warned us of this plan? We want to go home!
PRINCESS: Don’t worry, this will be fun, we’ll play musical instruments when we’re not tricking random men out of their possessions.
HANDMAIDENS: Oooh, another palace, let’s go there!
PRINCESS: Nope, I’m already regretting going to that last one, it got me saddled with all of you spoilsports.
(Later, on a random desert island.)
PIRATES: Arrrrrrrr! We want to kill you!
PRINCESS: Why kill us when you can marry us? We’re robbers too, look at this fancy ship I stole, oh, yes, you have nice treasure too. Also have you noticed that there are the exact same number of us as of you? Have some wine while we sort out the logistics for twelve weddings.
(to HANDMAIDENS) You don’t want to marry a pirate, do you? Kill your man while he’s drunk.
OK, looting time! Remember we don’t have room for all of this, only the most valuable stuff goes on the ship. And, while we’re at it, let’s make ourselves some men’s clothing. Everything’s better with cross-dressing!
(another unspecified amount of time later)
PRINCESS: See the bald guy climbing the mast of that ship over yonder? I can throw him into the sea!
HANDMAIDENS: I mean, we’ve gotten used to your being basically a sociopath, but how can you even do that? The ship is too far away.
PRINCESS: Stand back, I’m going to try SCIENCE!
The Princess points a burning-lens at the bald man. It burns his brains out and he falls into the sea.
CREW OF THE OTHER SHIP: Excuse me, uh, sirs, do you have a doctor? Our king just fell into the sea, and we need to diagnose him.
PRINCESS (dressed as a man): No worries, I’m a doctor. You might want to fish your king out of the sea first. (taking his pulse) I diagnose that his brains have been burnt out.
CREW: You are the most amazing doctor ever! We should take you home with us!
PRINCESS: (getting worried about this) I’m not actually a doctor, I just know things….
PEOPLE: Oh, and you’re so awesome you should marry our newly widowed queen and become our new king! Except the queen might not be so happy about marrying a mere doctor.
PRINCESS: (to herself) I can roll with this. I’m sure all the political issues can be smoothed over with a bit of my wine. And this time I won’t even have to kill anyone…
PRINCESS-now-KING: Everyone from all over the world must come to my wedding, because I’m that rich and powerful and need to get everyone in place for the finale. By royal decree my picture will be posted all over the capital and any man who finds it weirdly familiar will be arrested.
(The Prince, the Merchant’s Son and the King by the Sea are arrested.)
PRINCESS-acting-as-KING: Guys, you don’t recognize me in male clothing, even though you totally just recognized my picture that was posted all over the city, but all of you promised to marry me.
(to the King by the Sea): I’m sorry I got you deposed, have your noblewomen and your country back.
(to the Merchant’s Son): And you can have your ship back. You’ll see that I invested the goods at a very high rate of return.
(to the Prince): I don’t really care what happens to this kingdom that used to be ruled by the bald guy. Let’s go home and live happily ever after. Oh, and I still don’t know where our engagement ring is, but never mind.
dr_whom read aloud The Pirate Princess, a fairy tale written by Rabbi Nachman in 1815 with an impressively empowered female protagonist. I was recently reminded of this by discussion elsewhere on DW, and found the wikisource version of the story which calles it The King and the Emperor. I decided I would write a Good Parts retelling of the story, which I am now posting here:This story is called the Emperor and the King, even though it is really about the Princess the Emperor’s daughter and the Emperor and the King barely appear in the story, because sexism. But let’s start with the Emperor and the King, back when both were having fertility problems with their respective wives. The natural royal response to such a situation is to leave one’s wife and country behind and go off on a quest. By the laws of narrative probability, they met by chance in an inn.
EMPEROR: You seem like a kingly sort of person.
KING: Indeed I am the King! You seem like an emperor-y sort of person. What brings you here?
EMPEROR: Yes, I am the Emperor, wandering the world in search of effective fertility treatments.
KING: I don’t suppose you’ve found any?... Nope, me neither.
You know, in stories, when people promise away their first-born child, then they’re forced to have the first-born child to fulfil the promise. So how about we promise that if one of us has a son, and the other a daughter, then we will marry them off. Then we’re sure to both get kids, and we don’t have to worry about finding them suitable spouses. Win-win situation!
EMPEROR: Sure! What can possibly go wrong?...
Twenty-odd years later:
KING: I keep asking my son, the Prince, why he’s so sick, and he doesn’t give me any useful answers. Sick people are supposed to know why they’re sick, I’m sure if you asked him he would clarify.
SERVANT: I know why! He met this Princess at college, and they fell in love and got engaged, and ever since he’s been exhibiting textbook symptoms of lovesickness.
KING: He could have told me!... How convenient, she’s the daughter of that Emperor I once met in an inn. Let’s write the Emperor so he knows to get the wedding festivities ready!
EMPEROR: Oh, right, I guess I did promise my daughter to the son of that king I met once. However, I’m having second thoughts about this. What if he isn’t any good at governing a country?
When the Prince arrives, the Emperor puts him off by giving him the AP Government exam. The results must not have been very promising, as the Prince and Princess are forced to elope. This goes remarkably poorly: they manage to lose not just each other, but also their engagement ring. The Prince settles down somewhere as a servant, and manages to be entirely useless for the rest of the story.
PRINCESS: I’m lost. Let’s go sit in these fruit trees and eat fruit until somebody comes along.
MERCHANT’S SON: I’m a wealthy merchant’s son sailing in my big ship. Want to come down from that tree?
PRINCESS: Not until you promise me you won’t touch me until you marry me lawfully. Oh, and I won’t tell you who I am until we’re married, either.
MERCHANT’S SON: Sure, random tree lady, let’s get married! I see that you are musical and skilled at languages – I must be the luckiest man! Here, we’ve made it home, let me bring you to meet my family.
PRINCESS: Why don’t you go ahead and give your family a heads up. Oh, and don’t you think we should give the sailors some booze to celebrate?
The sailors get very drunk, disembark, and completely pass out. The Princess unties the ship and sails off with it all by herself.
MERCHANT’S SON (to his angry family): “Believe me! I brought a ship with wares! Ask the sailors!”
(some unspecified amount of time later)
PRINCESS: Oooh shiny, a palace! Let’s go see. Never mind, what would I do with a palace anyway? (starts to turn boat around)
KING BY THE SEA: Oh no you don’t, mysterious woman who can sail a giant ship with no crew! I’m the King by the Sea, and I’ve been having problems finding a wife because nobody likes me back, so how would you like to marry me?
PRINCESS: Sure, but there are going to be some conditions… No touching me or my ship until we’re married, and I want eleven noble handmaidens. Oh, and how about some drunken partying?
The King by the Sea and his court wake up the next morning. Surprise, surprise, the Princess has disappeared with her handmaidens and her ship.
ROYAL MINISTERS: King, we blame you for the disappearance of our daughters. How about we kill you?
KING BY THE SEA: It’s not my faaault…!
ROYAL MINISTERS: Fine, fine, we’ll depose you instead.
HANDMAIDENS: Why are we on a ship? No one warned us of this plan? We want to go home!
PRINCESS: Don’t worry, this will be fun, we’ll play musical instruments when we’re not tricking random men out of their possessions.
HANDMAIDENS: Oooh, another palace, let’s go there!
PRINCESS: Nope, I’m already regretting going to that last one, it got me saddled with all of you spoilsports.
(Later, on a random desert island.)
PIRATES: Arrrrrrrr! We want to kill you!
PRINCESS: Why kill us when you can marry us? We’re robbers too, look at this fancy ship I stole, oh, yes, you have nice treasure too. Also have you noticed that there are the exact same number of us as of you? Have some wine while we sort out the logistics for twelve weddings.
(to HANDMAIDENS) You don’t want to marry a pirate, do you? Kill your man while he’s drunk.
OK, looting time! Remember we don’t have room for all of this, only the most valuable stuff goes on the ship. And, while we’re at it, let’s make ourselves some men’s clothing. Everything’s better with cross-dressing!
(another unspecified amount of time later)
PRINCESS: See the bald guy climbing the mast of that ship over yonder? I can throw him into the sea!
HANDMAIDENS: I mean, we’ve gotten used to your being basically a sociopath, but how can you even do that? The ship is too far away.
PRINCESS: Stand back, I’m going to try SCIENCE!
The Princess points a burning-lens at the bald man. It burns his brains out and he falls into the sea.
CREW OF THE OTHER SHIP: Excuse me, uh, sirs, do you have a doctor? Our king just fell into the sea, and we need to diagnose him.
PRINCESS (dressed as a man): No worries, I’m a doctor. You might want to fish your king out of the sea first. (taking his pulse) I diagnose that his brains have been burnt out.
CREW: You are the most amazing doctor ever! We should take you home with us!
PRINCESS: (getting worried about this) I’m not actually a doctor, I just know things….
PEOPLE: Oh, and you’re so awesome you should marry our newly widowed queen and become our new king! Except the queen might not be so happy about marrying a mere doctor.
PRINCESS: (to herself) I can roll with this. I’m sure all the political issues can be smoothed over with a bit of my wine. And this time I won’t even have to kill anyone…
PRINCESS-now-KING: Everyone from all over the world must come to my wedding, because I’m that rich and powerful and need to get everyone in place for the finale. By royal decree my picture will be posted all over the capital and any man who finds it weirdly familiar will be arrested.
(The Prince, the Merchant’s Son and the King by the Sea are arrested.)
PRINCESS-acting-as-KING: Guys, you don’t recognize me in male clothing, even though you totally just recognized my picture that was posted all over the city, but all of you promised to marry me.
(to the King by the Sea): I’m sorry I got you deposed, have your noblewomen and your country back.
(to the Merchant’s Son): And you can have your ship back. You’ll see that I invested the goods at a very high rate of return.
(to the Prince): I don’t really care what happens to this kingdom that used to be ruled by the bald guy. Let’s go home and live happily ever after. Oh, and I still don’t know where our engagement ring is, but never mind.